Battling the Bulge

I took a walk with my husband the other day for the first time in months. I have a hard time keeping up with him - He has very long legs. The next day I was sore because I pulled some odd muscles in my foot and ankle. Today, I am going to walk again.

I am very, very down on myself about my weight. I have slid backwards in the last 5 months since I have been home from the States.

Time to start again.

I have just spent the last hour and a half updating the look of my blog. I upgraded Wordpress and the Blogroll threw up on itself. The theme that I was using had components that were no longer supported, so I had to chose a new template, re-add my blogroll - each link individually - and craft a new header. All while cursing the decision to use Wordpress and not Typepad. I know, I know - this has been a great learning experience and as soon as I have time, I will actually enjoy the process more. I just am tired and have run out of patience for the day. That said, I sort of like my new look. It’s softer. But, I’m not done. I have a lot of tweaking to do, but that will happen after I return to Australia.

I had such grand plans while I have been in the States. And true to form, they have all gone by the wayside. I truly had no idea what it was going to be like here. I have no way of keeping to a set schedule and have been tired the entire time. I have taken every opportunity to visit with friends and family and while I don’t regret that for a moment, it comes at a cost. I have let myself off the hook.

A great deal of it is emotion - I am so drained and raw emotionally that I have reverted back to survival mode. I have really mixed feelings about being here. And about going back to Australia. It’s like I feel as if I am in limbo.

I can’t process it all now but I acknowledge that it’s there - I have had a lot of tears and anxiety,too, but I haven’t gotten drunk off my keyster, shaved off my hair or attacked anyone(way to go, Britney!). I am torn between my old and my new life. I long for the simplicity of single life but really miss Rohan. I guess I am mourning my singlehood. I think I have delayed this transition into being a bona fide adult long enough and I just am scared that I will end up in Australia for the rest of my life - Which is only bad in the sense that I want to be near my family. Being with my brother’s kids has been amazing. I just don’t want to miss them growing up. I miss the warmth of my family and the ease of my friends. I know I have only been in Australia for a year but it’s just been really difficult. I can say that part of my problem is that because I work from home - I NEED to make some changes to be more social and get out of the house on a regular basis. Just need to make some positive changes.

I have also had time to think about Weight Watchers and I have come to one conclusion - I think I am done with it. I absolutely LOVE the social connections that I made. I loved seeing everyone each week and looked forward to getting out of the house. I liked the fact that I have been re-learning portion sizes and the importance of movement and the mental connection. But I haven’t really lost anything since August. Six months of nothing. Something is wrong. I was setting myself up each week by being ‘good’ Monday through Wednesday, Not having breakfast or lunch on Thursday, weighing in on Thursday and praying for a loss, and pigging out Friday through Sunday. Totally ridiculous. It was a bad pattern that was sabotaging my efforts.

I have so much going on now that I can use the extra time on Thursdays. I just need to find a way to break it to our WW Leader, Julie. I really love her and she has been exceptionally kind.

I know several people, including my brother that has had good success on the South Beach Diet. I have LOVED the different recipes that have come from the cookbooks and my brother is looking great. I need to weigh myself daily (which worked for me in high school - it helped me keep the weight off for 4 years) and look at this as a daily battle, rather than weekly. And I have a goal to get to know the people at the gym on a first name basis.

Wow - I meant for this to be a short post. I had better wrap this up. I may not post again until after I get back to Australia on March 9th. Until then, I will try not to eat EVERY PINT OF BEN & JERRY’s ICE CREAM IN THE METRO AREA. Gah. I LOVE that stuff. I don’t care what the flavor. American ice cream rocks. But just about everything else Australian tastes better. Go figure!

I have read up through Chapter four of You on a Diet this weekend that people who endure stress over long periods of time gain weight. Until this year, I know that I have been a total stress monkey.

I just have become tired of always feeling like I was in chaos mode. I started recognizing it at work and have slowly taken on a different attitude towards my professional work - I will always have high standards, but I am not going to freak out if everything is not perfect, know what I mean?

However, it has taken a bit longer for that attitude to seep into my personal life. Really, I am one of the most boring, responsible, level-headed people that I know. But I like it that way because I can’t be bothered anymore with the friggin drama!!!

And what has brought all of this to light even more is my dear husband, the Wookie. He is the ultimate stress monkey (by his own admission) and I have learned that it is a familial trait. Heh. Much as I love him dearly, he drives me to drink. Chocolate milk. Kidding! But being married to him has provided even more focus in this area of my life because I am constantly trying to peel him off of the ceiling while maintaining my own sanity. Ah, newlywed bliss - It can be a real challenge.

I just know that the less stress we have in our lives the better off we will be. Part of that is living consciously, and taking steps to combat stress in everyday life.

For me, that means planning. When I don’t have a plan, I feel like things are out of control. I don’t have to follow the plan to the letter, but the intention has to be there. The Wookie likes to do everything free-form, but he is beginning to see the power in planning and organization. And he knows that I am a happier wife because of it!

Now, this trip to the States completely threw me for a loop. I am leaving for two months in less than 36 hours. I had about 9 days to re-arrange my life to take this trip and I couldn’t be more excited. This is a fantastic opportunity, but to tell you the truth, it totally stressed me out.

I had finally figured out a weight-loss routine that worked for me and I was not going to be able to maintain that while I am gone. Chaos again!!!  But today I realized, I just need to adjust a bit. I can still get in some exercise. I can still drink water and watch what I eat. That will probably be the hardest part because I know I will be eating out quite a bit. But I won’t have the weekly weigh-in to keep me accountable.  But I need to plan ahead.  Track what I eat.  Cooking meals when I can and taking lunches.  Take the time to take care of myself.  Get those key things in daily that will insure my success.  Once I came to terms with that, I felt a hell of a lot better.  I want to do what I can so that when I come back to Weight Watchers, there is LESS of me, not MORE!  I am simply not satisfied with ‘not gaining’ any more.  I can’t use stress as a crutch any longer.  Planning is key for me.
What do you do to cope with stress?