I have gone back and forth for a long time in my mine about whether or not to blog about my weight loss journey. Part of it is that it is such exposure - I have been a very private person my entire life, so opening up about a matter as personal as this is a HUGE risk for someone like me.
But the other part is that I am now putting this all out into the universe - I am actually willing to hold myself accountable, which is not something that I have been able to do in the past. I was too scared of failing publicly, too scared of succeeding and dealing with the uncertainty of that new state. After all, people tend to do what they know, and all I have known if fat.
But I NEED this change. I have hit my threshold and several factors have brought me to this place. So I will attempt to spell out what has made the difference this time. But first, everyone has their own story, so a little background (and grab a cup of tea, because this might take a while):
I am not your typical dieter. I have never yo-yo’d. Never really been interested in dieting. I have always maintained a steadily increasing weight except for the three diets that I have seriously tried in my lifetime. Two times I had success but eventually, I would revert back to my old lifestyle. I have never learned to deal with stress in constructive ways. Therefore, when presented with stress, I would eat. And more importantly, never take off the weight that would magically appear. Magic, I tell you!
Next, I have a medium frame and I am 5′10″ (178cm). So I am a big girl, always have been - I have always seen myself as such and accepted it early on. The closest I have ever gotten to being at my proper weight was in hight school. I was probably 10-15 pounds (5-7 kilos) overweight and I thought I was a cow.
I take care of my appearance and always do my best to look nice, but my weight always fluctuated with stress. It takes about 30 pounds for me to move a clothing size (up or down), so as the weight would slowly creep on, it wasn’t ever a ‘big deal’. And while I was secretly mad at myself when I gained I never would do anything to arrest it. Never held myself accountable.
I have a love affair with food. I associate food with love, comfort, celebrations and creativity. It is a universal language. Everyone needs to eat to sustain life. Also, it’s hard to to get around it. If you are addicted to alcohol or drugs, you to drink or do drugs 3-5x a day to live. I feel like if I could just stay away from food, my life would a hell of a lot easier.
I come from a family of very overweight people. My parents, brother and sister all have weight problems. None of us have ever lost the weight that we need to. None of us have learned to deal with stress. None of us have integrated physical activity in our daily lives. Our lifestyles (high stress, all work, no play, high fat & sugar diets) all support our unhealthy weights. And on an interesting note, all of us have tried the Atkins diet. I am the only one that never lost weight on it. It was the singular most disgusting experience of my life!
I am a social person at times, but I tend to retreat in order to decompress and recharge. As time has gone on, I have been less willing to put myself ‘out there’ because of my weight. And because my weight has increased, I mastered the art of denial. I ignored my own problem and hoped, too, that no one else would notice me, as well. That circular logic has led me to feel a bit invisible and lessened my self esteem.
So with all of that background, I am starting to understand myself why I am still overweight. Which is pretty amazing. Coming out of the fog of denial is a very empowering thing. Once I decided to acknowledge that I had a problem, I knew I had the power to fix it. But what makes this time different?
It all built up over this last year. I sold almost all of my belongings, including my first home, moved to a foreign country, moved in with my husband and planned a wedding in less than 5 months. I started telecommuting, working from home. My husband also works from home. New in-laws, new friends, routines, cultures, financial concerns, and immigration hoops to jump through. We had an incredible amount of stress in the past year.
To put it mildly, by the time we went on our honeymoon in July, I had enough. My husband has been extremely understanding and supportive during this whole period, but I was miserable. It was that same cycle of stress creating weight gain, which created more stress. I knew I needed to do something.
I joined Weight Watchers the day after we got back from our honeymoon. I weighed 135.6 kilos (298.4 pounds) and I was mortified. I knew I was at a high weight because my clothes have gotten considerably tighter, but I have never weighed that much before. I knew my health was at risk - My feet, which I have always had problems with, are killing me constantly. My knees are not good. I started having serious back pain, that would wake me up in the morning.
And I want to have children someday. But I have heard of several cases in Australia, where medical centers have turned women away for being overweight. The doctors felt like an overweight woman would provide too great a risk for them and they didn’t want to put themselves in a position to care for someone who is over a certain BMI. This, I think, is bullshit. Aren’t medical professionals supposed to provide medical care for people? No case is perfect and free of risk. Now, no one can tell me that being overweight does not provide health issues. However, I do not have high blood pressure, diabetes or any of the common weight related problems - Yet. I simply know that I need to get the weight off to give myself and my future children the best chance. How’s that for motivation?
And though I hated going to Weight Watchers initially, it has been the best experience for me. I also started weighing the people that attend the meetings, which has enabled me to reach out and get to know others. I haven’t lost a lot of weight because I haven’t been concentrating on eating as much as the psychology of it all.
It has taken me a long time to get into losing weight. It was as if I knew that I needed desperately to lose weight, but if I acknowledged it, I would have to admit that I had a serious problem.
Three things happened that pushed me over the edge.
1) I met Amber. In the past 4 years, Amber has lost 176 lbs/80 kilos, (which is like, a person!) and still has as much as I do left to go (130lbs/60 kilos). She has the best attitude. She started exercising by simply walking to the mailbox everyday. And continued doing a little bit more. Every day. I thought if she can will the strength to do that, I can do it, too.
2) I watched Oprah. The show was on Class perception in the States. They interviewed people and the general consensus was that a person that is very overweight is considered to be in a low class. Low class? The perception was that an overweight person didn’t have the education, the self-esteem or the resources to deal with the problem. I had never thought of that but it really bothered me. I have never wanted to give anyone the opportunity to think less of me because of my weight.
and 3) I saw Laura on Project Runway. She is a mother of 6 in her 40’s, an architect and runs every morning for an hour to show people that she cares enough to take care of herself. And she said it helps with stress. If figure if an Architect, who is a mother of 6 can find an hour a day in her schedule for exercise, then SO CAN I!!! I have no kids and I work from home. I have NO excuses. I decided that I needed to stop letting myself off the hook because it was hurting, not helping.
So, I started going to the gym about 2 months ago. I used to freak out about being seen in public. I don’t like the idea of people watching my butt exercise and sweat, but I don’t care anymore. My thought is that if someone doesn’t like it, they don’t have to look at it!!! I joined the local YMCA, not a meat market, so in reality, no one else cares, either. My butt bounces freely and with abandon, daily. The best part is that my back has stopped hurting and my clothes are less snug. I use the elliptical for 45 minutes and eventually I will progress to weight training.
I have started planning menus and trying new recipes. And I am feeling less stress. Now that I feel like I am more in control of my life, I want to live out loud. And part of doing that is keeping this blog. Gaining support. Meeting other women that are going through the same things.
I hope that gives you some insight into how the penny dropped for me. I would love to know what has motivated you - Who can’t use more support?