Battling the Bulge

I took a walk with my husband the other day for the first time in months. I have a hard time keeping up with him - He has very long legs. The next day I was sore because I pulled some odd muscles in my foot and ankle. Today, I am going to walk again.

I am very, very down on myself about my weight. I have slid backwards in the last 5 months since I have been home from the States.

Time to start again.

You know I didn’t think I was going to post again for a while but two things - I went with the guys for coffee today and got a sinful looking yogurt parfait, you know - Yogurt, berries and granola - I know, not exactly the greatest of health food. But I only at about a third of it. It was really good. And that was enough. I think I will eat the rest for lunch. I have some almonds and walnut for snacking and I think I will eat a few of those for protein. I had string cheese for breakfast. Not exactly the best so far, but it could be worse.

Anyhoo, this is the main reason that I am posting: Half of Me. Pasta Queen - She is totally hysterical. I never know what to expect from her but I know one thing, she has officially lost one half of her body weight using the South Beach Diet (RESPECT!!!) and she is one hell of a funny, funny girl. You have GOT to go check out the muffins that she made for her friend’s performance in the Vagina Monologues (a VERY good play, by the way - Go Eve Ensler!!!)

My friend preformed in The Vagina Monologues this weekend in addition to helping plan the event which raised thousands of dollars for the local YWCA and rape assistance program. I’m so proud of her! She also works full time, takes 15 hours of classes, and wrapped individual presents for each cast member, complete with ribbons made out of some strange substance called “wraphia” which is the inbred child of ribbon and hay. I don’t know how she does all this. Maybe she secretly has a twin sister and they’ve been pretending to be the same person for the past umpteen years I’ve known her/them.

I wanted to help her celebrate the climax of all her hard work, so I undertook some thematic baking. If you are exceedingly moral or are put off by vulgar flour-based imagery, stop reading now. And if you are exceedingly moral, why are you reading my blog anyway?

I have just spent the last hour and a half updating the look of my blog. I upgraded Wordpress and the Blogroll threw up on itself. The theme that I was using had components that were no longer supported, so I had to chose a new template, re-add my blogroll - each link individually - and craft a new header. All while cursing the decision to use Wordpress and not Typepad. I know, I know - this has been a great learning experience and as soon as I have time, I will actually enjoy the process more. I just am tired and have run out of patience for the day. That said, I sort of like my new look. It’s softer. But, I’m not done. I have a lot of tweaking to do, but that will happen after I return to Australia.

I had such grand plans while I have been in the States. And true to form, they have all gone by the wayside. I truly had no idea what it was going to be like here. I have no way of keeping to a set schedule and have been tired the entire time. I have taken every opportunity to visit with friends and family and while I don’t regret that for a moment, it comes at a cost. I have let myself off the hook.

A great deal of it is emotion - I am so drained and raw emotionally that I have reverted back to survival mode. I have really mixed feelings about being here. And about going back to Australia. It’s like I feel as if I am in limbo.

I can’t process it all now but I acknowledge that it’s there - I have had a lot of tears and anxiety,too, but I haven’t gotten drunk off my keyster, shaved off my hair or attacked anyone(way to go, Britney!). I am torn between my old and my new life. I long for the simplicity of single life but really miss Rohan. I guess I am mourning my singlehood. I think I have delayed this transition into being a bona fide adult long enough and I just am scared that I will end up in Australia for the rest of my life - Which is only bad in the sense that I want to be near my family. Being with my brother’s kids has been amazing. I just don’t want to miss them growing up. I miss the warmth of my family and the ease of my friends. I know I have only been in Australia for a year but it’s just been really difficult. I can say that part of my problem is that because I work from home - I NEED to make some changes to be more social and get out of the house on a regular basis. Just need to make some positive changes.

I have also had time to think about Weight Watchers and I have come to one conclusion - I think I am done with it. I absolutely LOVE the social connections that I made. I loved seeing everyone each week and looked forward to getting out of the house. I liked the fact that I have been re-learning portion sizes and the importance of movement and the mental connection. But I haven’t really lost anything since August. Six months of nothing. Something is wrong. I was setting myself up each week by being ‘good’ Monday through Wednesday, Not having breakfast or lunch on Thursday, weighing in on Thursday and praying for a loss, and pigging out Friday through Sunday. Totally ridiculous. It was a bad pattern that was sabotaging my efforts.

I have so much going on now that I can use the extra time on Thursdays. I just need to find a way to break it to our WW Leader, Julie. I really love her and she has been exceptionally kind.

I know several people, including my brother that has had good success on the South Beach Diet. I have LOVED the different recipes that have come from the cookbooks and my brother is looking great. I need to weigh myself daily (which worked for me in high school - it helped me keep the weight off for 4 years) and look at this as a daily battle, rather than weekly. And I have a goal to get to know the people at the gym on a first name basis.

Wow - I meant for this to be a short post. I had better wrap this up. I may not post again until after I get back to Australia on March 9th. Until then, I will try not to eat EVERY PINT OF BEN & JERRY’s ICE CREAM IN THE METRO AREA. Gah. I LOVE that stuff. I don’t care what the flavor. American ice cream rocks. But just about everything else Australian tastes better. Go figure!

I have no earthly idea of where I am at diet-wise at this point. It has been almost two weeks of chaos since I left for the States and I honestly just have gone with the flow to preserve my sanity.

I have had the interesting opportunity to try a bit of the South Beach Diet cuisine because it is the diet du jour for my brother and I have to say it’s quite tasty! My sister in law, who is a fabulous cook is very supportive of his dieting endeavors and because she is a stay at home mom, she cooks dinner for us. She is really organized and prepares these fabulous marinades and freezes lots of chicken breasts ahead of time so she can simply pull them out of the freezer to cook. That way, they marinate as they thaw throughout the day.

We freeze our chicken breasts, but I never thought to add the marinade prior to freezing. Genius! And way yummy! One of my recipes was a chili-citrus marinade and another had teryaki (sp?) which was divine! The other thing that I LOVE was a white fish fillet that was baked but topped with a thin layer of ricotta and spiced chopped tomatoes. To DIE for and so healthy! Add some yummy roast veggies and I am in heaven. Since it is so cold here, the warm food is comforting.

An interesting note is that things taste different to me now. Milk, eggs, beef, vegetables, and water, even. Here things taste different than they do in Australia. My, what an odd thing - that I truly did not expect. Not bad, mind you - just different. Except vegetables. Here, because of the season, the poor veggies look a bit anemic.

One of the things that I have started to do is to eat a few nuts about an hour before each meal. That has done wonders for my hunger - I am not ravenous before meals now, which is a nice feeling. Thanks, Dr. Oz! I haven’t had time to read any more of the You on a Diet book but that was one tip that I picked up. Now if I only could push myself to drink more water!

So much has happened since I arrived that I haven’t processed it all. If you want details, I will post more on my other blog in the coming days. It involves a mess at LAX (including one of my suitcases being deemed ‘abandoned’ and therefore a security risk), lots of poopy diapers, screaming children, flat tires, massive sleep deprivation along with a serious case of jet lag, sensory overload, driving on the wrong side of the road at night, and much more.

Despite it all, I have managed to eat alright - I have had a bit of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, to tell you the truth, but the South Beach Diet cuisine seems to have really done the trick. I have made sure that I have had healthy snacks (bananas, apples, cheese and nuts) and have tried to drink mostly water. The real problem is the lack of exercise.

At my office, there are stairs that go up to the loft area where my office is and I can tell that I haven’t really had to climb stairs in the past year and I can tell - It has really done a number on my knees. I am so out of shape. Even the work that I have done in the gym in the 2 months before I left Australia did not undo the havoc that I have wreaked upon my body in the past year. I have LOTS of work to do.

I have no excuse any more - I have recovered sufficiently to start kicking my own ass again. I have my workout DVDs with me, and my brother has a Bowflex. My beloved elliptical is nowhere to be seen, unfortunately, but I can work on my core strength, which is probably for the best. Six weeks of that can’t be bad for me.

My old standard line is that ‘I just don’t want the numbers on the scale to go up’, but now I want them to go DOWN. I am not satisfied. And I no longer want to let myself off the hook!

I have read up through Chapter four of You on a Diet this weekend that people who endure stress over long periods of time gain weight. Until this year, I know that I have been a total stress monkey.

I just have become tired of always feeling like I was in chaos mode. I started recognizing it at work and have slowly taken on a different attitude towards my professional work - I will always have high standards, but I am not going to freak out if everything is not perfect, know what I mean?

However, it has taken a bit longer for that attitude to seep into my personal life. Really, I am one of the most boring, responsible, level-headed people that I know. But I like it that way because I can’t be bothered anymore with the friggin drama!!!

And what has brought all of this to light even more is my dear husband, the Wookie. He is the ultimate stress monkey (by his own admission) and I have learned that it is a familial trait. Heh. Much as I love him dearly, he drives me to drink. Chocolate milk. Kidding! But being married to him has provided even more focus in this area of my life because I am constantly trying to peel him off of the ceiling while maintaining my own sanity. Ah, newlywed bliss - It can be a real challenge.

I just know that the less stress we have in our lives the better off we will be. Part of that is living consciously, and taking steps to combat stress in everyday life.

For me, that means planning. When I don’t have a plan, I feel like things are out of control. I don’t have to follow the plan to the letter, but the intention has to be there. The Wookie likes to do everything free-form, but he is beginning to see the power in planning and organization. And he knows that I am a happier wife because of it!

Now, this trip to the States completely threw me for a loop. I am leaving for two months in less than 36 hours. I had about 9 days to re-arrange my life to take this trip and I couldn’t be more excited. This is a fantastic opportunity, but to tell you the truth, it totally stressed me out.

I had finally figured out a weight-loss routine that worked for me and I was not going to be able to maintain that while I am gone. Chaos again!!!  But today I realized, I just need to adjust a bit. I can still get in some exercise. I can still drink water and watch what I eat. That will probably be the hardest part because I know I will be eating out quite a bit. But I won’t have the weekly weigh-in to keep me accountable.  But I need to plan ahead.  Track what I eat.  Cooking meals when I can and taking lunches.  Take the time to take care of myself.  Get those key things in daily that will insure my success.  Once I came to terms with that, I felt a hell of a lot better.  I want to do what I can so that when I come back to Weight Watchers, there is LESS of me, not MORE!  I am simply not satisfied with ‘not gaining’ any more.  I can’t use stress as a crutch any longer.  Planning is key for me.
What do you do to cope with stress?

I have tried 3 diets in my lifetime. I have never yo-yo’d and I suspect that most of it has to do with the fact that I am horribly lazy. Heh.

The first diet I seriously put any effort into was a 1200 Calorie diet plan given to me by my GP. I needed to lose about 12 pounds at the time. It was really difficult because I was constantly hungry - It wasn’t exactly the best diet but I was able to keep the weight off for about 4 years. After I went to college, the freshman 15 was not lost on me.

The second diet was one where I used whey Protien Supplement Shakes in conjunction with a high protien, low calorie and carb, limited diet. This was very successful, but I only last 3 months. And the weight came back with abandon.

And last, the Atkins diet. Can I say how disgusting this diet was? I love vegetables and fruit and this diet made me feel like I was sluggish and crabby all of the time. I only lasted about 6 weeks on this and quit when I didn’t make any progress. It was very frustrating because everyone else in my family responded to it, but in the long term, they gained their weight back as well.

The whole diet business is complicated. But I think that people focus on the wrong thing when they try to lose weight.

Initially, when I joined Weight Watchers, I didn’t like it much for a while - I joined because I was at my wit’s end and thought that it would help me figure out how to regain control of my food issues. I find the idea of counting points revolting. I think it would help me lose weight faster but I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life. So I have chosen to go the Core route.

About three weeks after I started, I was lucky enough to get picked for the position to weigh meeting attendees. It was nervewracking because you have to track a fair bit of information and I had a hard time following the meeting. But with time, everything has become easier and I LOVE going to socialize with all of the girls (and the one retired gent that comes every week). We laugh and goof around, and lend support. It has been the best thing for me so I am not so isolated because I work from home.

It gives me the opportunity to focus on myself for a couple of hours. And even though my primary role is to record numbers, I always try to get people to think about all of the other positive changes that they are making (exercise, drinking water, dietary changes) because it ALL adds up. Just getting their asses to the meeting every week is a major accomplishment. Holding yourself accountable is never easy, but it feels good once you have done it.

I am going back to the States for eight weeks for a work project and I will really miss my WW girls, but my Leader, Julie, has promised me that I can come back when I return to Australia. I was jumping up and down when she told me that. One of the best parts is that my husband can see the physical and mental changes in me and that is the icing on the cake!

Have I mentioned that I love food? But I don’t prioritize time for lots of cooking. This is my most recent FAVORITE quick meal. The original WW recipe was served warm and with mint, but that’s not my cup of tea (ahem) and I added corn. I think asparagus would be totally yummy and roast beets or pumpkin would rock my world.  I can prep this quickly - within minutes and it gets better left to marinate overnight. It tastes great warm or cold, and it has lots of protien and fiber! Add some chicken if you want and some sliced tomatoes and it is a fantastic meal that sticks with you.
Lentil Feta Salad ( 6 servings, around 3 points per serving)

• 1 400g can brown lentils, rinsed
• 1 grams low fat feta, cut into small bits
• 1 cup frozen corn, cooked (I don’t used canned due to sodium)
• 1 medium green onion (scallion), chopped
• Garlic, fresh or granulated
• Lemon Juice, to taste
• 1 tablespoon of balsamic dressing (oil & vinegar dressing prepared with Good Seasons Zest Italian dressing packet mix, any italian dressing will do)

Throw all ingredients in a bowl and toss with lemon juice and balsamic dressing. EAT!!!

Refrigerate in an air-tight container.

I still haven’t gone to the gym.  It has finally cooled down - But when it is so unbelievably hot, I can’t stand to move.  The last time it was really hot and I went to the gym, I became the lucky recipient of a heat rash - Lovely!

So my goal for tomorrow is to re-commit to my routine.  Get to the gym and eat well.  I need to review the new Weight Watcher’s Program.  I haven’t gone over the booklet that we received in the last meeting yet - It sounded like there was nothing much different than before.  We shall see.

Have you seen this book?
The edition here in Australia has a bright turquoise color and is titled differently: ‘YOU on a Diet: Lose up to Two Inches From Your Waist in Two Weeks” - I wonder what market research made them do that?

I picked it up before we went away for the Christmas but haven’t looked at it yet. I have the other book that these authors put out (You, The Owner’s Manual) and really loved it. Common sense and a bit of humor. I don’t care for the style of illustrations, but that’s just my personal taste.

My brother, who is also looking after his weight called me the other day and said he had a book that I had to pick up - And I told him that I already had it. I really respect Mehmet Oz. He has a way of explaining things that is accessible, but really makes you understand the gravity of your health choices.

His first book with Roizen was made popular after a stint on Oprah. He talked about poop alot and it was hysterical! But the information was so great that I actually ordered the transcript of the show, which I have never done before (Note to Oprah - Stop interrupting your guests!).

I am not done with it yet, but if you have read this book I would love to hear what you think of it. I am sure it will come up later on…

I made it through the Holidays and have only gained .7K/1.5lbs. I say that’s good because I haven’t been following the old WW plan AT ALL and haven’t been to the gym once in 2 weeks. I am definitely not proud of that. In fact it was scary to see just how easy it was to fall back into my old habits in 2 weeks time. However, it made me happy to see that I could identify a couple of interesting bits.

Like, I needed to drink more water when I wasn’t consciously downing 2L a day. I was thirsty! That I was actually craving water, which is a first for me. I used to had drinking water with a passion! But I found that if I put a little lime juice in it and I love it!

Since I haven’t been working out, I have not handled stress as well. And the first thing on my mind during a stressful period was what sort of junk is there to eat? Fortunately, there was none - I know myself better than that. But in the prior 6 weeks, when I was going to the gym, was disciplined in my eating habits, and was on a schedule (Up and to work with a cup of tea, gym in the afternoon, shower, cup of coffee, back to work, then dinner, and work on email or blog stuff, I didn’t have time to entertain those strong urges to find a little bit of chocolate. Idle hands, and all that….
And what I have found is that too much wine, ahem (hello, New Year!), affects me for days, unlike when I was younger. I physically felt slow, dehydrated, headache-y and just not well. It’s a good thing that I don’t like to drink usually. I don’t want to repeat that process. Plus it’s just empty calories. I could better spend them on snacks.

I have also learned that snacking -or rather, managing my hunger- helps me stay sane. If I don’t eat at regular intervals, if I don’t snack between meals, I will eat too much, guaranteed. So planning is key. Having the right food on hand and planning ahead enough for meals so that we don’t call for a pizza. Because a Capricciosa with extra cheese and tomato seems to be the answer to any problem when we get too hungry. I say we, because my husband tends to not be a ‘planner’ so I feel like if I don’t plan ahead, we will fall into the EFT - the EVIL FOOD TRAP!!! Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a fantastic cook, but his dishes are not always diet friendly. If you know what I mean…

It’s like I have finally figured out the formula, and how to work it into my life. Now I just need to make sure that I make the time for myself to follow it.

I appreciate this. However, what about trans fats in it’s drinks? I never eat anything at Starbucks but you cannot tell me their drinks are pristine. Also, what about internationally? I think they knew that this was coming because they ‘quitely’ had replaced the fats in their mass produced and distributed products and the New York Legislation forced their hand, so to speak. But it would be nice if they would do that here in Australia, too for everything they produce. I think the world could live without the artery clogging material, thank you very much.

When I would get homesick, I would go work from a Starbucks here in Glenferrie because I could get WiFi access. Their coffee isn’t the greatest, but it was familiar and comforting when the world became overwhelming.

It is very interesting to see them give away used coffee grounds in sealed packages for gardeners to throw in their compost heaps. I am very new to this green stuff but living here sure makes you more conscious of the whole reduce-reuse-recycle thing. I like it.

I have gone back and forth for a long time in my mine about whether or not to blog about my weight loss journey. Part of it is that it is such exposure - I have been a very private person my entire life, so opening up about a matter as personal as this is a HUGE risk for someone like me.

But the other part is that I am now putting this all out into the universe - I am actually willing to hold myself accountable, which is not something that I have been able to do in the past. I was too scared of failing publicly, too scared of succeeding and dealing with the uncertainty of that new state. After all, people tend to do what they know, and all I have known if fat.

But I NEED this change. I have hit my threshold and several factors have brought me to this place. So I will attempt to spell out what has made the difference this time. But first, everyone has their own story, so a little background (and grab a cup of tea, because this might take a while):

I am not your typical dieter. I have never yo-yo’d. Never really been interested in dieting. I have always maintained a steadily increasing weight except for the three diets that I have seriously tried in my lifetime. Two times I had success but eventually, I would revert back to my old lifestyle. I have never learned to deal with stress in constructive ways. Therefore, when presented with stress, I would eat. And more importantly, never take off the weight that would magically appear. Magic, I tell you!

Next, I have a medium frame and I am 5′10″ (178cm). So I am a big girl, always have been - I have always seen myself as such and accepted it early on. The closest I have ever gotten to being at my proper weight was in hight school. I was probably 10-15 pounds (5-7 kilos) overweight and I thought I was a cow.

I take care of my appearance and always do my best to look nice, but my weight always fluctuated with stress. It takes about 30 pounds for me to move a clothing size (up or down), so as the weight would slowly creep on, it wasn’t ever a ‘big deal’. And while I was secretly mad at myself when I gained I never would do anything to arrest it. Never held myself accountable.

I have a love affair with food. I associate food with love, comfort, celebrations and creativity. It is a universal language. Everyone needs to eat to sustain life. Also, it’s hard to to get around it. If you are addicted to alcohol or drugs, you to drink or do drugs 3-5x a day to live. I feel like if I could just stay away from food, my life would a hell of a lot easier.

I come from a family of very overweight people. My parents, brother and sister all have weight problems. None of us have ever lost the weight that we need to. None of us have learned to deal with stress. None of us have integrated physical activity in our daily lives. Our lifestyles (high stress, all work, no play, high fat & sugar diets) all support our unhealthy weights. And on an interesting note, all of us have tried the Atkins diet. I am the only one that never lost weight on it. It was the singular most disgusting experience of my life!

I am a social person at times, but I tend to retreat in order to decompress and recharge. As time has gone on, I have been less willing to put myself ‘out there’ because of my weight. And because my weight has increased, I mastered the art of denial. I ignored my own problem and hoped, too, that no one else would notice me, as well. That circular logic has led me to feel a bit invisible and lessened my self esteem.

So with all of that background, I am starting to understand myself why I am still overweight. Which is pretty amazing. Coming out of the fog of denial is a very empowering thing. Once I decided to acknowledge that I had a problem, I knew I had the power to fix it. But what makes this time different?

It all built up over this last year. I sold almost all of my belongings, including my first home, moved to a foreign country, moved in with my husband and planned a wedding in less than 5 months. I started telecommuting, working from home. My husband also works from home. New in-laws, new friends, routines, cultures, financial concerns, and immigration hoops to jump through. We had an incredible amount of stress in the past year.

To put it mildly, by the time we went on our honeymoon in July, I had enough. My husband has been extremely understanding and supportive during this whole period, but I was miserable. It was that same cycle of stress creating weight gain, which created more stress. I knew I needed to do something.

I joined Weight Watchers the day after we got back from our honeymoon. I weighed 135.6 kilos (298.4 pounds) and I was mortified. I knew I was at a high weight because my clothes have gotten considerably tighter, but I have never weighed that much before. I knew my health was at risk - My feet, which I have always had problems with, are killing me constantly. My knees are not good. I started having serious back pain, that would wake me up in the morning.

And I want to have children someday. But I have heard of several cases in Australia, where medical centers have turned women away for being overweight. The doctors felt like an overweight woman would provide too great a risk for them and they didn’t want to put themselves in a position to care for someone who is over a certain BMI. This, I think, is bullshit. Aren’t medical professionals supposed to provide medical care for people? No case is perfect and free of risk. Now, no one can tell me that being overweight does not provide health issues. However, I do not have high blood pressure, diabetes or any of the common weight related problems - Yet. I simply know that I need to get the weight off to give myself and my future children the best chance. How’s that for motivation?

And though I hated going to Weight Watchers initially, it has been the best experience for me. I also started weighing the people that attend the meetings, which has enabled me to reach out and get to know others. I haven’t lost a lot of weight because I haven’t been concentrating on eating as much as the psychology of it all.

It has taken me a long time to get into losing weight. It was as if I knew that I needed desperately to lose weight, but if I acknowledged it, I would have to admit that I had a serious problem.

Three things happened that pushed me over the edge.

1) I met Amber. In the past 4 years, Amber has lost 176 lbs/80 kilos, (which is like, a person!) and still has as much as I do left to go (130lbs/60 kilos). She has the best attitude. She started exercising by simply walking to the mailbox everyday. And continued doing a little bit more. Every day. I thought if she can will the strength to do that, I can do it, too.

2) I watched Oprah. The show was on Class perception in the States. They interviewed people and the general consensus was that a person that is very overweight is considered to be in a low class. Low class? The perception was that an overweight person didn’t have the education, the self-esteem or the resources to deal with the problem. I had never thought of that but it really bothered me. I have never wanted to give anyone the opportunity to think less of me because of my weight.

and 3) I saw Laura on Project Runway. She is a mother of 6 in her 40’s, an architect and runs every morning for an hour to show people that she cares enough to take care of herself. And she said it helps with stress. If figure if an Architect, who is a mother of 6 can find an hour a day in her schedule for exercise, then SO CAN I!!! I have no kids and I work from home. I have NO excuses. I decided that I needed to stop letting myself off the hook because it was hurting, not helping.

So, I started going to the gym about 2 months ago. I used to freak out about being seen in public. I don’t like the idea of people watching my butt exercise and sweat, but I don’t care anymore. My thought is that if someone doesn’t like it, they don’t have to look at it!!! I joined the local YMCA, not a meat market, so in reality, no one else cares, either. My butt bounces freely and with abandon, daily. The best part is that my back has stopped hurting and my clothes are less snug. I use the elliptical for 45 minutes and eventually I will progress to weight training.

I have started planning menus and trying new recipes. And I am feeling less stress. Now that I feel like I am more in control of my life, I want to live out loud. And part of doing that is keeping this blog. Gaining support. Meeting other women that are going through the same things.

I hope that gives you some insight into how the penny dropped for me. I would love to know what has motivated you - Who can’t use more support?